Choosing a Path of Suffering
I never would have imagined that when the dust settled, I would conclude that my mother was one of the most enlightened and courageous people I’ve ever known. My mom had a trauma history from hell and was not a great mother. But unlike most people, she was determined to change. So this devout Italian Catholic started college in 1957, when I turned five, to save herself. Her words. That in and of itself makes her an outlier. In the early 60s, she discovered Lilias, Yoga and You and from the age of 53 till she passed at the age of 87, she engaged in 30 minutes of yoga every day. I credit this with resetting her central nervous system, helping her heal from her personality disorder. From 1967 until she passed, four women, whom we met while in Italy, met every month until they died. They were a book club, therapy group, social gathering and they discussed many ideas about growth and consciousness. So I shouldn’t have been too surprised when my mother, who had only been with my father for 47 years, announced to me that a marriage needed to be open. That when someone really loved another, they wanted whatever was best for their growth. And sometimes their growth might entail experiencing another person at a deep level.
Now to the point I am going to make - sometimes what is needed for another’s growth as well as our own is to leave the relationship. Relationships are hard. No one sails through years together without hard times, difficult situations, and doubt. But there is a line to be drawn as to when difficult situations are something to be worked through or the signal that it’s time to let it go. And that line is also defined by what people are looking for in a marriage: is the purpose some kind of attachment and security no matter what the cost at one end of a spectrum, to a partnership in which both parties grow together in spirit and mind at the other end? Another important thing to consider is what was the nature of the bond that brought the couple together. Was it mainly physical attraction, physical trappings, loneliness and/or desperation? If so, the relationship is almost certainly doomed to be a crucible. When a relationship is clearly in trouble, does one party refuse to get help for their own issues or engage in couples counseling? That would be another clear message that it’s time to let it go. I’ve also seen couples who wanted to rehab their marriage. But there was nothing to rehab…they had different physical and emotional needs from the onset. In that case, there is nothing to rehab…these are two people with irreconcilable differences.
Staying with a person who clearly has antisocial and/or narcissistic tendencies isn’t in their (or the partner’s) best interest. When someone refuses to see or is incapable of seeing their unacceptable behavior and refuses to get help or grow, basically they are choosing the path of suffering. Another phenomenon I’ve seen over the years entails watching the life of a person after a transgression that they refuse to acknowledge, apologize and make amends for. Basically, I see that the universe gives a ‘slap’ to get that person’s attention and give the opportunity to makes things right, but if they ignore the slap, it becomes a “punch” and deteriorates until the person finally owns what they’ve done or succumbs to a very sad life. Allowing another person to ‘get away’ with their behavior because of a trauma bond or fear of being alone, is to do both that person and oneself a huge disservice.
There has been a debate over the years as to whether our basic instinct is to survive or to attach. After years of watching people choose abusive relationships in which they were clearly not surviving on come crucial plane of existence, I’ve concluded that the urge for attachment is much stronger than our urge to survive.
The process of transformation has set steps, whether one is transforming a toxic relationship, owning transgressions or even resolving trauma. First, there is the strong decision to change. Second, engaging in the steps needed to leave, own or process, which is the hard part. On this step, everything falls apart and one is usually in a state of chaos. Third, the chaos starts to subside, and relief begins to set in. Fourth, a new life at a new level of consciousness is possible.
What happens when one doesn’t choose to move forward and through the difficult part of transformation? That is a life of continued suffering that usually continues to deteriorate. With unresolved trauma, that can be seen in worsening mental conditions as well as deteriorating physical conditions.
If we want to change our deteriorating culture, wherein lying and bullying are predominant, we each need to do what we can to live in truth: own our stuff and choose the road of transformation.
Teresa Descilo, MSW, MCT
My Online training for Traditional Trauma Resolution is now available. Only $550 for my first time running the course. https://www.teresadescilo.com/trainings-groups